I arrived at St Beuno’s having never been on a silent retreat before. I wanted to fully commit to having no distractions, books, phone etc. I let my family know how to contact me in an emergency then I left my phone in the car.
It felt so strange to be surrounded by silence and not to grab my phone or a book. I had come with the intention of seeking discernment as I was at a cross-roads in life. I wanted the Lord to speak to me and show me where he wanted me to serve him.
As soon as day one started the Lord began to speak to me. He didn't answer any of the questions I had gone with but what he said to me was far more important. He began to tell me how much he loved me, revealing more of his love each day. I was not expecting that at all. I tried bringing prayer requests to him, but I sensed he just wanted me to be in his presence and listen. I was amazed by the things he showed me.
One example was when I went on one of the suggested walks. It was January and a dull, overcast cold day. As I was walking up a hill, the sky was still covered with grey cloud but somehow a beam of sunlight appeared on the path in front of me. I stopped for a moment to feel the sun on my face. As I went to move on, I felt the Lord say, ‘Wait here a while.’ I continued to stand still and to feel the warmth. I have no idea how long I stood for, but I eventually removed my coat as I felt warmer and warmer. Then the Lord asked me, ‘Do you feel that warmth? That's the warmth of my love. Always remember how warm my love is.’
I walked on and the sun was gone. I noticed a little brook and stopped to look at it. As I went to walk on again, I heard the Lord say, ‘Wait, stand here and watch some more.’ I watched as the water gently flowed over and around stones. I had no idea how much time passed before the Lord said, ‘Do you notice how gently the water flows? That is how gentle I am. I will never hurt you or force you in a direction you don't want to go.’
As I continued and reached the top of the hill there was a strong wind. A bench was tied to a tree, and I felt the Lord tell me to sit there. The wind was blowing the trees about and felt strong enough to blow me off the hill if I hadn't been sat down. After a while I heard the Lord say, ‘Do you feel how strong that wind is. My love for you is so much stronger.’
I felt overwhelmed with love from the Lord in that moment and felt peaceful about my future even though my questions were not answered in the way I had been expecting.
I was at St Beuno’s for a week, but I could have stayed much longer.